I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
