the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
