i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
