If i come over, it means nothing
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
