At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
