We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize