So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
