someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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