I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
