If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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