Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
