i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
