I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
