If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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