Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
