I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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