she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize