Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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