By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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