I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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