I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
