Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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