i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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