hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
