Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
