I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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