I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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