$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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