he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
