i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
