my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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