Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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