I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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