I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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