You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
