I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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