i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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