saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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