Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
