I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
