Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
