Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
