I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i just made my gag reflex go away.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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