I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
