VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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