I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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