then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
