its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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