I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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