She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
im six kinds of drunk right now
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
