I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
