I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
