My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
