You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize