I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
