I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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