My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
