I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
