I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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