does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
