The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
