help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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