i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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