so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
