I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
