So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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