I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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