I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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